CVI

I started this whole blogging journey on a positive note, so I’ll leave 2013 going into 2014 on a positive one as well.

Since beginning this journey I have learned a lot about myself and those that I have given the title as friends. A lot of them started this year off in a different mind of frame than I. That’s why they are no longer friends or have moved past the friend title and have become family. I said at the beginning of 2013, I would let go of dead weight, but didn’t learn what dead weight was until October-November timeframe so it was a late start for me. I’m not going to start this year off with another New Year’s Resolution, what I will do is continue to thank God for allowing me and my family to see and breath the breathe of a new day. This day wasn’t promised to any of us, so why dwell on the negative. I can say that since realizing I had dead weight to let go, people I didn’t really consider a friend came out of nowhere and filled the spot, not because they were trying to get close to me or my family (what’s so special about me?), but they were only giving me what I had given them without even noticing it. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Just when you think you’re out for the count, it’s those individuals that jump right in and are willing to sacrifice what they have, because whether you realize it or not, you did the same for them without even knowing it.

Its crazy how life works itself out, right? I hope to capitalize off of the new relationships that have fostered and continue to learn from the ones that came to such an abrupt and unlikely end.  I’m sure that all the dead weight hasn’t moved on, but I will spot it and immediately remove it, because how I am I going to continue forward or skyward progress with extra weight? I’m no perfect person, but there is one thing that you can’t tell me is that I haven’t learned a lot in these last 3-4 months of my life. As my family and I move on, into 2014, we will use these last 3-4 months as a guide or manual to continue our navigation. Everybody, always has an answer when they are on the outside looking in, but until they actually live what you’ve been through, how can they give you advice? They can’t. It’s impossible. How in the world is someone, never deploying in their career, going to tell me what to expect, because of what a damn book says? No, it takes experience. What you can do, is take all the knowledge that you have around you and come up with a plan that fits you and your circumstances. Never turn away or automatically disregard ANY advice. It may seem ridiculous at the time; look at it like this, it doesn’t fit your situation at the present time. It will work itself in your life at one time or another or it’s for you to pass on to someone else.

Our decisions that we make in our lives are done for a reason. No matter what your religious stance is, I want you to keep this in mind: Karma, is a b****. It’s all about energy. Of course, no matter what type of energy you give off, you’re not always going to get it back in return, just know that if you do all you can to be positive or what you think is positive, then it will work out. I promise. It may not workout when you want it to, but it will work out. If there is any advice that I can provide to you going into 2014, that’s it. I don’t have it all figured out, but this is what I’ve learned so far. As I learn it, I will pass it on to you. I expect the same from you.

Be positive, do your best to give off good/positive energy and keep your eyes on the prize. Troubles don’t last always.

 

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CV

Unless you live in a perfect world you already know that life is full of choices. Sometimes you make good ones and sometimes you make bad ones. If everybody made the right choice all the time, then this world would be perfect. We wouldn’t have homelessness, families not knowing what the next meal is going to be, good people being fired from jobs that they love, etc. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It’s how you react and carry on is what’s going to make you get through it. Some people can’t handle it and give up, but there are those of us that get hit with a hook, jab and an uppercut all at the same time that take those punches and learn from those and learn how to block the rest.

I’m not saying or trying to come off as some wise man, but I have been through my share of troubles as you have seen in this past month alone. What some people wanted me to do is sit back and let it bother me until I couldn’t handle it anymore and go cry and let my family down. I am not and WILL NOT ever be that type of MAN. Life isn’t always perfect, but I know in my heart of hearts that times like these don’t last forever. This is a test. On some portions of this test I didn’t do well, but I did learn how to maneuver through times like these in the future. If you have read this far into this post and don’t have a clue what I am talking about, then I want you to stop reading, because this isn’t meant for you. Your life is perfect and you don’t need any uplifting. This is to let those that are on their last dollar, last nerve, going through some tough times and questioning their faith, it will get better, I promise. Your way of thinking that “getting better” may not come, but if you have moved on from that situation on to a new one, then guess what? You made it.

You may end up saying from one situation to another, if it ain’t one thing it’s another. You damn right. That’s what makes us human. Do you think that the richest person in the world is happy? No, whether you believe it or not, that person is going through their own situation, maybe not financially, but that person is struggling with something. If you don’t like to hear about religion, then stop reading now. God said, that he would not give you more than you can handle and he means it. Keep in mind that if you are praying for strength, then what do you think he is doing for you? Just like a weight lifter gets stronger, he adds more weight. It goes the same way. Look at your situation and find the positive and thank him for what you do have rather than what you don’t have. If you still think that your life has no positive in, then if your only positive is to thank him for waking you up seeing another day, then that’s what you have to do. Ask him to help guide you through your situation. What a lot of people forget to do is, Let go and Let God. It’s only when your life is full of troubles is when you want to do that. We have to do better and do it everyday.

I’m not here to preach to you, because I am not perfect and I am still going through some rough patches in my life, but guess what? Troubles don’t last always!! It doesn’t matter what I am going through, I will find the positive and thank him and let him know that I KNOW he is the creator and CONTROLLER of all. When times are good, we forget that. Keep in mind he is going to test your will, but don’t forget that he won’t break it. On the outside to other people, we are going through some hard times, that is true, but I thank him for these hard times. All he is doing is preparing you for your blessings, he just wants to make sure that we are ready for them. We forget that we are immortal and he has to humble us, but once he does, its up to us to continue to keep ourselves humbled and ready for whatever he has for us next.

If the only thing that you took from this post is that I talked about some religious stuff, then you missed everything that was meant for you to take from this post. If you don’t take anything from this post, I want you to take this with you: 1 Corinthians 10:13 – There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (KJV).

My Mother always tells me to read Psalms 91. I challenge you to read it, understand it and apply it to your life. Break it down for yourself in the simplest form and apply it. For those that don’t have time to read it, I want to share it with you here:

  • Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
  • I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
  • Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
  • He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
  • You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
  • nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
  • A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
  • You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
  • If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,
  • 10 no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
  • 11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
  • 12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
  • 13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
  • 14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
  • 15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
  • 16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Footprints in the sand, Mosquito Bay, Abel Tasman National Park

When you saw one set of footprints in the sand, I then carried you.

John 14:18-21 – 18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.”

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I really didn’t think that I would have to actually put together a post about this, but SOMETHING REALLY HAS TO STOP! Man, a team wins 11 out of 12 games in the regular season and they are doing something right. Don’t get me wrong, but what was your record last year? 3-8? Please, stop it. Let your skills speak for themselves on January 6, 2014, during the BCS National Title Game. Okay, what I will attempt to do in this post is do everything in my power NOT to take sides, but as you can see in the introduction, this will be a hard task for me to accomplish.

“We have faced some dynamic quarterbacks,” Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn said Wednesday, December 18, 2013. “They are a little bit different but have won a lot of games. I hope that will help us. Obviously, we are playing the Heisman Trophy winner, the best player in college football, so we have our work cut out for us.” Of course, it seems the Tigers have had their work cut out for them all season—first in September, when they were pitted against Zach Mettenberger and LSU in Baton Rouge. It was more of the same when Auburn traveled to College Station to face Johnny Manziel and the Texas A&M Aggies as said by Justin Lee who is in his fourth year on the Auburn athletics beat, after previous stints writing for The War Eagle Reader and The Corner News. This fall, he is also interning with the Opelika-Auburn News. He has done freelance work for a number of publications including the Associated Press, the Tuscaloosa News and The Advocate in Baton Rouge.

Okay, on this issue: Yes, Auburn have faced some dynamic quarterbacks this year, but let’s look at the last 3 Games that the Auburn Tigers have played this year.

  • November 16, 2013: The Georgia Bulldogs vs. The Auburn Tigers, playing @ Jordan-Hare Stadium. During the 1st Half Auburn had the game won pretty much going into half time with a 27 – 10 lead. Coming out for the Second Half, the Georgia Bulldogs “woke” up and started playing some damn football. Going on a 21 – 0 scoring run  in the 4th quarter. If Georgia’s Defense, from what I could see, Single-High Safety and Defensive back were not playing out of position, then they would have lost that game. Nick Marshall would have over thrown his wide receiver, but with Georgia Safety and Defensive Back playing right next to each other and not bracketing the Wide Receiver or even thinking about playing a Single-High Safety with a Quarterback with the Arm of Nick Marshall, then we would not even be talking about this, but since the good Lord sends downs blessings to the less fortunate; they allowed that dog-gone Wide Receiver to be in the right position at the right time, as soon as that dog-gone Safety & Defensive Back tipped that ball, the Auburn receiver reacted to the ball caught it and scored. I couldn’t believe it. I had to rewatch that play over and over again to make sure that it was real. Keep in mind that going into this game, The Georgia Bulldogs were ranked #2 and The Tigers were #23. 
  • November 23, 2013: Bye Week in preparation for The Alabama Crimson Tide.
  • November 30, 2013: The Alabama Crimson Tide vs. The Auburn Tigers, playing @ Jordan-Hare Stadium. Going into this game Auburn had been bumped up to the #4 spot in the BCS rankings with Alabama still holding on to the #1 spot. Auburn got on the board 1st during the 1st Quarter, but Alabama finally got it together and scored 21 straight points over the Tigers going into halftime with a 21-14 lead. Coming out with the control of the ball at halftime, they scored the only points in the 3rd Quarter. Going into the 4th Quarter the score was tied at 21. Alabama scored early in the 4th to take the lead back. Auburn did what they do well and ran a perfect Triple Option Offense led by Quarterback Nick Marshall and tied the game at 28. Alabama ran a lot of time off the clock, with the intentions of kicking a field goal to try and win the game, but couldn’t get in position. With the kicking game of Alabama being shotty, Coach Nick Saban, considered kicking the ball, but called a timeout with 8 seconds left on the clock. Alabama Runningback T.J. Yeldon was given the ball to what I thought was to let the clock run out, but as he stepped out of bounds, the referees put 1 second on the clock. Instead of giving the ball to T.J. Yeldon or Kenyan Drake, Coach Nick Saban put the game in the hands of a Freshman kicker. Knowing this, one of the Auburn Tiger Assistant coaches put one of their best kick returners in the endzone in case the ball fell short. Guess what? The Alabama Freshman Kicker had the accuracy, just not the strength in his leg and it fell short, right into the hand of the Auburn player, who then brought it out of the endzone. There was no possible way for the Crimson Tide to stop him, because they just didn’t have the speed on the field to stop him and the rest is history. The clinch the SEC West Division Title and a spot to play the Missouri Tigers in the SEC Championship Game.
  • December 7, 2013: The Auburn Tigers vs. The Missouri Tigers in the Southeastern Conference Championship Game, played in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta. The Missouri Tigers couldn’t stop Runningback Tre Mason and Nick Marshall in that damn Triple Option Offense, but somehow went into halftime with the lead 17-14. I have no clue why the Missouri Tiger coaching staff didn’t make any adjustments and continue to play a 4-3 Defense to stop the Auburn Offense. The Auburn Tigers kept giving the ball to Tre Mason who ended the game with an Auburn and career record 304 rushing yards and 4 Touchdowns; and again the rest is history.
  • The Ohio State Buckeyes end up losing their title game to the Michigan State Spartans and give up the #2 spot to Auburn who will earn a chance to play in the BCS National Title Game.

Okay, here is my Final BCS National Championship Game Prediction: Auburn’s High Optempo, “Triple Option” Offense vs. Florida State University Multi-dimensional Offense, FSU’s Defense vs. The Auburn Tiger Defense, Both teams have a Special Teams that has the ability to change the tempo of the game, but can the Heisman Trophy winner Quarterback Jamies Winston make break the Heisman Curse to win it for the FSU Seminoles?

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Since 2000, only 6 Heisman Trophy winners have gone on to win their following bowl game. (Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, Mark Ingram, Cam Newton, Robert Griffin III & Johnny Manziel.) Matt Leinart’s win at the 2005 Orange Bowl was later revoked and removed from records due to multiple rule violations by the University of Southern California (USC). The trend of post-award failure has garnered the attention of the mainstream media. Additionally, the Heisman Curse asserts that in most cases a Heisman winner will have either a poor career in the National Football League (NFL) or in fact not even see such a football career at all.

Every time an analyst talks about a National Title game whether it being at the College Level or in the National Football League (NFL) they always talk about there being an X-Factor. Well I’m not using the X-Factor, since I am analyzing this year’s National Title Game, I’m going to use the “G-Factor!” The G-Factor for the Final BCS National Title Game:

  • Gus Malzahn and the Offensive Coordinator for The Auburn Tigers are going to have to find a way score first and keep the momentum; keep the FSU Seminoles Defense guessing; use Nick Marshall’s strong arm and throw the ball down field for big gains; Yes, the Triple Option Offense is a hard offense to defend, but they are going to stop the run, so depending on your Running-backs and Nick Marshall’s legs cannot be your only option.
  • FSU Head Coach Jimbo Fisher is going to have to continue to have their Offensive Line protect Quarterback Jamies Winston so he is able to throw the ball to the taller Wide Receivers; you will have an advantage at the Wide Receiver position because on paper, they are taller than the Auburn Defensive Backs; the FSU Defense has not seen an Offense like Auburn is going to run, just trust that your front 4 and Linebackers are going to stop the run, if not at the line of scrimmage, but at the second level. If the Auburn running backs get past your second level, your Safeties and Defensive Backs are going to have to be quick enough to recognize the run and be that last line of defense and stop the Auburn running attack. Your defense is going to have to play their positions, don’t get caught slipping.

With all the factors in play, I think that Auburn is not going to be able to stop Quarterback Jameis Winston. They are going to take and keep the momentum in the 1st half, Auburn will get the running game going, but it will not be enough to stop the passing attack of the Seminoles. This will be a high scoring game, due to the high optempo of both offenses. My score prediction for the National Title game: Florida State Seminoles 45, Auburn Tigers 38.

Keep this in mind that this is just MY assessment. I don’t want the Auburn fans out there to think that I am hating because I am a die hard Alabama fan, this is based off of watching the highlights of both teams this year.

**Don’t get it twisted, I still think that my damn Alabama Crimson Tide should be playing in the National Title game and it’s still and will always be #ROLLDAMNTIDE!**

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Ciento Tres

This is an experience that I have never shared with anyone until today.

I redeployed from Operation Iraqi Freedom III, January 2006 and had been home for about a month. The whole time I was gone, I kept asking my wife if I could get a new pair of Air Jordans? She told me to wait until I got back, but I told her that I wanted to have them waiting on me, of course, those that know my wife, knows that she can be umm, what’s a good word to describe her without sounding like a total jerk…….a very persistent latin individual! Yeah, that sounds good to me.  So I got back and of course started my search for Air Jordans, at this point I had no idea that they even made fake Jordans; I am being so serious about this; I searched the internet and found a website that was selling Nike Air Jordans for $85.00 a pair. I was ecstatic.

Keep in mind, I grew up in Enterprise, Alabama, a very small town, when I was growing up, so buying a pair of fake Air Jordans, had never became an issue, because, we always bought our kicks from Hibbet Sports, Sneakers or the P.X. on Fort Rucker; they always sold the real Air Jordans for a very inexpensive price, between $105 – $125. The very first pair of Air Jordans that I ever bought, with my own money, was the Air Jordan 12 “Taxi” Released in 1997. It took me 2 weeks of babysitting to make them ends. The first $60.00, I put my pair on layaway, they hadn’t arrived yet and the second $60.00, I went and picked up my pair. I thought I was the man, I was TOO FLY!

Air Jordan 12 %22Taxi%22

While in High School I had 2 jobs. The first job I had, I would work on almost every weekend during the school year. I would go to Massey Trucking, a local trucking company and wash eighteen wheelers. My uncle asked me if I wanted the job and I said heck yeah. On Friday night, my Grandmother or Aunt would come and pick me up. Saturday morning, my grandmother would make me breakfast and lunch. Awesome Grandmother; and she NEVER asked me for a dime. Looking back on it, I would have changed that and made her take something. She would get upset with me if my mother took any of my money, but that’s not the point of the story.

Massey Trucking

I thought it was some pretty easy money, $20.00 a truck. When I first started, I would only get maybe 4 trucks done. (I’m talking about spraying the engine down with some engine cleaner, washing it off, then pressure washing the engine and under the hood; closing the hood, washing the cab, with bucket and long handle brush, pressure washing it, then pressure washing with soap and water; then doing the same on process on the trailer.) When I left for Basic Training, I made it to the point that I could get at least 10 done; on some Sundays after church, I would go make some money.

My Second Job, was only a summer job, but I would babysit for my Preacher and his wife. On Sunday Night, after Sunday Night Service, I would go home with them and their youngest son (Name With-held for embarrassment purposes). I only started doing this because their oldest son had gone into the Military. It was an awesome job. You couldn’t beat that. Free Food, Free Cable, Movies, Your Own Room and on top of off that you’re getting paid to do all this? Come on now, I was making a nice chunk of change, but I had to help out my mother, because it was the right thing to do. I didn’t like giving her my money (this part I have never told her, I would tell her that I would only wash a certain amount of trucks; this all started as I got better at washing them and could wash a lot more; I felt the need to do this, because I was a teenager and I wanted to have my own money.) Anyway, I keep getting side tracked.

Okay, let’s fast forward a little. I join the Army get stationed at Fort Bragg, NC, stay there for 4 years, I then go to Fort Polk, LA, meet my wife, stay there for a little over 2 and a half years; we then were sent to Fort Benning, GA, this is where the story picks back up.

I redeploy from Iraq all that good stuff that you read in the beginning. As I previously stated, I had no idea that fake Jordans were even made. I was so naive! My wife being from a big city, already knew what the deal was. I told her that I found a website where you could buy Air Jordans for $85.00 and immediately says, “Papi, I think they are fake.”, I respond with no they are not, they don’t even make fake shoes, what are you talking about. What you have to realize is that I am a very stubborn individual. She says to me, AGAIN, “Papi, there is no where in the world where you can buy a pair of Air Jordans, unless they are fake, they used to sell them at the flea market all the time.” Of course, me being the “WISE” individual I am, I buy 3 pair. I buy a pair of Air Jordan 6’s (Retro) Black on Black-Infrared “Promised Land” (original release date: 1991), Air Jordan 7’s (Retro) Black on True Red “Pure Gold” (original release date: 1992), and Air Jordan 13’s (Retro) Black on Black-Infared “Black Cat Pounces” (original release date: 1998). 

Air Jordan 2010 - Air Jordan XX8 Air Jordan 1- Air Jordan 2009

I was under the impression that all three pair were REAL, LEGIT, Air Jordan Sneakers. About 3 weeks go by and finally my package arrives. It was on a Saturday and while I am cleaning my Yellow Dodge Neon, the UPS man walks up to me with a bag to sign for, it wasn’t a bag of  3 boxes, but a bag of 3 pairs of shoes. The way the house was set up, our kitchen table was right by the door, so instead of sitting down at the table for my wife to see me open this package, I go straight to the kitchen. I get a knife and slice the top of the bag and look in the bag. Immediately, I feel like the worlds biggest jackass. I look at the shoes and try to make them real in my mind. NOT 1 shoe look like the other one. So I had 6 individual shoes that all looked different. On one shoe, the leg of the Jumpman, is extremely long and on the other shoe to that pair, his foot looks amputated. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, except for Auburn Fans. My wife was laughing so hard. She said I told you so. I felt so flat.

If you go on a website that is claiming to sell discounted, cheap, inexpensive or for a low price Air Jordans, STOP! DON’T DO IT TO YOURSELF! I don’t care how much you want to a pair. Save up your money and pay for the real pair. For the amount I paid for 6 individuals shoes, I could have bought a REAL pair. Take this as a lesson, not just for shoes, but for everything you plan to spend your hard earned money for. Make sure that you get what you are paying for. If you have it in your mind that you want a FAKE Pair of Jordans or a fake Ralph Lauren Polo, then do what you have to do, if you need me to I could refer you to a couple of websites! LOL!!. If the place you are purchasing your merchandise isn’t a reputable one then don’t do it to yourself. If you call yourself a “Sneaker-head” and you are buying from sites that are selling discounted, cheap, inexpensive or for a low price Air Jordans, then you sir or ma’am are NOT a true Sneaker-head.

Since that horrible experience I don’t buy from a site or store unless I KNOW that I am getting exactly what I pay for. I wouldn’t call myself a “sneaker-head,” I would call myself a person that loves shoes. I don’t go out and pay for a pair of shoes just because they are being reissued, I buy shoes that I like. Please, take this as a lesson and make sure you get what you pay for.

**Special Announcement: It’s Official, I am Officially apart of the Screwface World Movement! If you don’t know anything about the movement, here are a few websites you can check out for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/user/ScrewfaceWorldMusichttps://www.facebook.com/pages/DCGSWM/258125060888563https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/sneakerbox-chock/id345348043http://sneakerboxchock.blogspot.com/https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/bueller-da-don/id362032245https://twitter.com/TraxxTrigga. Support the Movement! SCREWFACE WORLD MUSIC GROUP/Get on it now, because we are about fly to the next level! If you’re not down with the movement, get the F*** out the way. #Only.Positive.People.On.This.Movement (#O.P.P.O.T.M)!!

***No I’m not an Artist on the label, these are just some down to earth dudes that are trying to provide for their families that let a dude like me, from Alabama Represent their movement. I don’t Rap, Ghostwrite, Gangbang, or none of that other stuff that you would associate with a label. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not trying to bring ANY NEGATIVE LIGHT TO THIS movement, they have been doing this longer that I have, I’m just lucky enough to be apart of the movement and they let me fly the Screwface World Music Group Flag! So if you see any of this: #DCG, #SWM, #SCREWFACE4LIFE, #SBC, #BDD, #TRXTGA, #SCREWFACEWORLDMUSICGROUP, you know what I am talking about, because you saw it here. 

Words of Wisdom, By Sheezy, Part V

As Promised, here you go. If this is your first time reading my Blog and this happens to be your first experience of “Sheezy”, then I suggest if you are easily offended and don’t like to hear “the real” then, don’t read this Post. I have 119 more you can read. In short, this dude is one of my friends from my hometown; the greatest city in the United States, Enterprise, located in the best state in the world ALA-MUTHA-F****N-BAMA. If this is your first experience and you continue to read this Post, keep this in mind, IT’S ALL IN FUN. IT’S JUST JOKES!

  • She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her… “I know I better get a lap dance. Heffa, them green beans ain’t Greater Value them hoes are Del Monte!”
  • When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that’s how the fuck doors work….
  • This lady is so ugly, looks like she eats fried cabbage with tortilla chips…I got it. I got it. She’s “extra-ugly”. Take it easy on me, Jesus… #NANARUTH
  • Taking Viagra for my sun-burn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night…
  • Niggas be talking about “Money Over Bitches”… But be asking bitches for money… What kind of shit is that…
  • Man, just think how crazy Gallup (That little “My Precious” character) goes on the 5th day of Christmas…(You’re singing the Christmas carol now huh…). It’s 5 golden rings, shit water casserole…
  • More than friends? What, you misguided lil shit tablet? You MUST wanna be BEST FRIENDS… SHIIIIID…
  • I think New York has reached the point where it can finally just be called York. I mean, hell, the Statue of Liberty was built in September of 1872… And all this time, I’m sitting here thinking the 1940’s was old as a mf…
  • At my funeral, play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music… You know… “Dunna dunna dunna…” Yeah. That level…
  • A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon…I’ll arrange your funeral services because I’m certain that you were blown away.
  • Imagine if Drake and Taylor Swift were in a relationship and then broke up…Jesus. We’d ALL drown in sorrow and sadness…

 

*HONORABLE MENTION:

If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

The existence of the Flamethrower proves that someone once said “I want to set those people over there on fire but I’m just not close enough.”

 

**BONUS:

Words of Wisdom By Sheezy Part V