XLIII

This week has been full of ups and downs. Today is Friday so I am thankful for that. Lately my emotions have been up and down, why? I don’t have a clue. I’m sure is has something to do with PTSD, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse. It’s crazy because one minute I’m fine, but two seconds later I either feel sad or a lot of rage. I am seeing a psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks. Its cool talking to him, but he doesn’t really know how I feel because he hasn’t experienced or seen what I have. I do my best to explain it to him, but he tries to explain it back to me and I just agree so I can leave. I try to talk to my wife, but she doesn’t understand either. She really does her best to understand, but sometimes I think it frustrates her, because when I get in certain moods it is very hard for me to explain my emotions.

I do my best, but it only frustrates me even more. Sometimes, I get mad for no reason and act like an asshole to everyone, but I don’t mean to do it. I wish I could stick a usb cord to my head, hook it up to my computer so you guys could see what is on my mind. I’m not saying I’m crazy, just unbalanced right now. You know whats crazy, I can sit and talk to my girls and they ask the right questions and they listen to me talk. It makes me feel so good that I can sit there and ramble on and on, they just sit there and listen. That does give me an outlet, but there are somethings that I don’t want to talk to my girls about, so those things are just stewing in my head. I’m sure someone out there is like what the hell is he talking about? If you are asking yourself that question, don’t worry that is the same question I ask myself sometimes.

All I can do is take it one day at a time. I just want to be there for wife and my girls when they need me. Sometimes its hard, but when they need me, I have to put my emotions to the side or ignore that pain and make sure my family is taken care of. That’s my goal as a Man, Father and Husband. I’m not perfect and they know that, but with everything that I do wrong, say something inappropriate, do something stupid or act like an asshole, they accept me as I am. That goes the same for my family and close friends. It has been one of the weeks, but that’s no excuse; just like when I was a soldier I had to just suck it up, stay motivated and make sure I accomplished the mission.

not crazy

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