I’m going to share something with you guys that a lot of you don’t know about me. Most of my friends already know this, but I am a dipper (smokeless tobacco). My dip of choice is Grizzly Wintergreen, pouches of course. I know it’s a bad habit and I am honestly going to quit one day. Right now, I don’t want to quit so I don’t need any speeches about that my lips are going to fall off, that I will get cancer in my mouth or any horror stories on how bad it is. I get that from the three women that live in this house. I don’t do it in front of my kids or my wife, I don’t dip in public and I WILL never spit out a dip and kiss my wife. When I first got married, I used to smoke cigarettes, another bad habit I know. One day, when while my wife and I were dating, she smelled cigarette smoke on my uniform and she asked me if I smoked? She then went on to say because I don’t like people who smoke. So of course me being a dumbass man, said NO I don’t smoke. I told her that I hung around people and rode in cars with people who did smoke which was true.
We are a good bit into our relationship and she always smells it on my uniform and she always said something about it. She even suggested that I get new friends. Now I’m going to fast forward a little bit. We are now married, so naturally we are going to put our clothes together for laundry. Well, one day she was going through the pockets of my uniform to make sure she didn’t any pens or anything of importance would be washed. She didn’t find any pens, she didn’t find anything of importance, but what she did find were some cigarette butts. She called me in the laundry room and asked what are these doing in your pocket? So of course, me being the dumbass man I can sometimes be replied with ” those were in my pocket because my platoon was responsible for cleaning the smoke shack right outside the Motorpool gate.” She then said, why didn’t you throw them in the garbage, I told her that I forgot because we were getting ready for end of the day formation. She said well next time you need to throw them away before you come in the house.
I really can’t remember if this next incident happened while we were dating or if we had already been married, but I was standing outside of the Motorpool gate in the Smoke Shack smoking a cigarette. What I didn’t know is that she wasn’t in her office, she had gone to the warehouse to pick up parts. I will never ever forget this day in my life. I see this 5-ton come rolling up and Muddy (a soldier’s nickname whom I will not identify) jumped out of the truck to ground guide the vehicle into the Motorpool, but guess who was driving? Yep, you guessed it my wife. If you’re driving a vehicle into the Motorpool, you’re going to pass the smoke shack and of course you will see who is inside. I don’t know what told me to go outside of the smoke shack, with the cigarette I had just lit in my hand and blowing smoke from my mouth, but I did and guess who saw me? It was like fate set me up. Not only did she see me, we made eye contact. Man, did I feel like the biggest retard in the world. I did all I could to avoid her, but she finally caught me off guard and said, why didn’t you just tell me you smoke, you didn’t have to lie about it. I felt like the world’s smallest man. She was pregnant and she said you need to go to some smoking sensation classes or something, because our child WOULD NOT be around cigarette smoke.
I told her that I wouldn’t smoke another cigarette. I promised her that. I would occasionally hit a cigarette of one of my homeboys you know, but not enough to where you would be able to smell it on my breath or uniform. I did quit smoking, but like the dumbass man I can be, I said to myself hey, I can still get my nicotine fix by dipping. I can put small dips in and she would never know it. When I had my first dip, I felt like shit. Everything was spinning, my stomach was hurting and I felt like I was going to vomit. But guess what I did? Yep, kept dipping. My dip of choice at that time was Copenhagen Fine Cut. I made sure not to do it until I knew she wasn’t around. If you haven’t noticed I don’t have the best luck. One day after lunch I’m in the Motorpool working on one of my Vehicles, I had a dip in, but this was a big one. One of my soldiers comes running up to me and says hey, your wife is coming. I said on shit, quickly spit out the dip, but I didn’t have any water so I couldn’t spit out the residue that was left in my teeth. She walked up to me to ask me some questions. She said you have some black stuff in your teeth. I said what? She said, you got some black stuff in your teeth and she said what is it? I said I don’t know, so she shrugged it off, so I thought.
Women are very smart, but of course my dumbass had to find out the hard way. I kept my dip stash in my closet (in our room we had two closets, one was for her and the other was for me). I kept my stash on the top shelf hidden in a hygiene bag. I remember getting a call from her asking where something was, but this item was located where? Yep, you guessed it in my closet on the top shelf. My stash wasn’t out in the open, I “thought” it was hidden, but that day I had forgotten to zip the bag close. Well, she found my stash. What she did next almost made me cry. I don’t remember where she had to go, I just remember her saying to me that she left a surprise for me in the bedroom. Me being a man, I thought it was going to be some sexy lingerie that she was going to where later or something of a sexual nature. Nope! She had the ironing board up and displayed in a line was all my cans. She opened every single one of them. I had 6 cans. Once I saw the cans, of course they were empty, under one of them there was a note and it read, go look in the bathroom. In the toilet was all my dip. There was also a note, it said, you flush it and that we would talk about this later. We talked about it and I told her I would quit. But guess what, I’m a Man, a very hard headed man. I continued to do it.
I did my best to hide it from her, but she always found a can either full of dip or an empty one. When it comes to being sneaky and trying to hide the “evidence” I suck at it. So I want you to keep this in mind, If you ever want to rob a bank and get away with it, keep me off your list because we will get caught. It took us going back and forth about this issue until we finally agreed to some terms. She asked me why I do it? I said, because I like it? She asked why? I said I don’t know. She then asked why don’t you know? I said I don’t know. I finally said to her, look, I like to do it and I am going to continue to do it, but I will promise you this, that I will never do it in front of you or the girls, I will not do it in public, especially with you and the girls and I will make sure I don’t leave evidence around to suggest that I do it. She said okay, but asked me if I would also try to quit and I agreed.
I don’t dip as much as I used to, because now it’s too damn expensive. I remember when a can of Copenhagen Longcut was $1.75, now Copenhagen is almost $4.00! I did all that rambling to say this, some times its better to tell the truth and your spouse be mad rather than you lie to your spouse about something, then you get caught red handed. When I sit back and look at it, I have made some really dumb decisions, but I can honestly say that by me making those dumb decisions, it made me a better man. If you don’t go through some pain, then how are you going to enjoy being happy? I’m not Dr. Phil and I am not trying to be him or a relationship expert. I just hope that by me, a REGULAR, explaining my experiences that someone will read it and take some advice from it.